Out-of-Control Anger

While some people suppress their anger, others express it openly and aggressively.

"I went by my husband's office that day to get my frustration out. I took a rock and smashed it through the windshield of his car. Then I got in my car, and I drove off," says Betsy.

Angie says, "My coping mechanism when I'm hurt is to lash out. I remember my ex calling several times, and I would just rage at him. I can't believe the things I actually said; I'd just completely cuss him out and tell him what a horrible person he was. That was very hurtful. That was very damaging."

The problem with aggression is that it often leads to sin. If your anger is justified, then practice expressing it in a neutral, safe setting alone or with someone who will not fuel your anger but will just listen. If an unexpected situation occurs that ignites your anger, decide right now that you will hold your tongue and wait for an appropriate moment and mindset to release it.

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires" (Galatians 5:19-24).

Don't Stuff It

Some people deal with anger by suppressing it. They may do this because they have been taught it is wrong to express emotions that might cause conflict. Others want to appear successful at coping. Some just don't realize they have a lifetime habit of pushing down troublesome emotions.

"When I first got involved in a divorce recovery program, I didn't realize I was suppressing anger," admits Joe. "I thought that it was a sin to be angry, and I didn't want to displease the Lord in any way; then I realized that the Lord gives us justifiable anger. It's healthy to be angry."

Susan says, "At first I suppressed my anger because I was raised to believe that anger was not an appropriate way to express your frustrations. Then finally it broke. It came flying out. I had emotions and feelings that I never had experienced before, and they surprised me. I didn't realize that I could have that much rage and frustration inside my body."

Psalm 18 describes circumstances in which God showed righteous anger at David's enemies for what they were doing to David.

"The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he [God] was angry. Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. . . . Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded" (Psalm 18:7-8, 12-13).

Dealing with Anger

Over the next few days we will look at ways to deal with anger. Some of these responses are healthy and some are unhealthy. Harriet has chosen a healthy response to anger. She shares, "I am building a relationship with my heavenly Father like I never dreamed possible. I have realized through all of this that I can talk real straight with God because He already knows who I am. He already knows the thoughts and the feelings that are in the deep recesses of my mind and my heart.

"Do you know what it feels like to be able to say, 'God, I really hate my husband's guts, and I hate his mistress, and I wish that his major body parts would fall off'? I am able to speak honestly with the one Person who has the power to help me to grow beyond that. I know I have nothing to hide from my precious Father because He already knows me."

We cannot emphasize enough the importance of talking honestly with God and building a relationship with Him. God knows you intimately, more than any person ever will. Talk with Him daily as you go about your business at home, at work, and at night in bed. He is always available to listen, and He wants to hear from you.

"Pray continually" (1 Thessalonians 5:17).

You are to use accurate scales, an accurate ephah and an accurate bath. – Ezekiel 45:10

This is a guest post from Pastor Garry Mullen

Have you ever heard the one about the honest used car salesman? He died of loneliness. Okay, bad joke – and before all the used car salesmen start to throw rocks at my blog – please remember that I used to be you. But we also have to admit that there are certain professions that seem to have a natural affinity toward being seen as dishonest (you could add lawyers and real estate agents to the list.) And maybe even with an expectation of dishonesty comes the understanding that it is allowable to be dishonest.

But that has never been God’s understanding. In a time when it was a common practice to shave on the measurements, God said no. Your measurements are to be accurate. Honesty is expected. There is never a time when dishonesty is the appropriate response.

Sometimes in our lives it can appear that honesty is too hard to be practiced. We fudge on the little things, lie on our resumes – all in an effort just to get by. We excuse it by telling ourselves that everyone does it – the behavior is okay and expected. It is an attitude that needs to change. It is an attitude that says that I am more important than you.

I am convinced that we are designed for community – which means that you are as important as I am. In fact, I need you. But dishonesty is a sin against the community – it will tear us apart. And in the end, it weakens me. Community is too important to put at risk.

In whatever you do today, recognize the importance of the community that you live in – and the need to live in an honest manner. It keeps the fabric of our community alive and vibrant. And it honors the God we serve.

Source of Anger: Feelings of Inferiority

Dr. Les Carter says, "Anger is closely tied to your sense of well-being as a person and closely tied to your feeling of worthiness. The less worthy you feel, the more likely you are to try to compensate for that by laying into someone, by blaming or accusing him or her, and that's where your inferiority feelings can show themselves as anger."

Rose Sweet says, "In divorce you are forced to realize that some people may never love you. You had better find someone who always did love you and always will love you. That's only one person—that's God.

"If you feel like you're a failure, you're forgetting God. You are looking at yourself either through your own human eyes or other people's eyes. You have to quit doing that. Realize that you are so precious and so loved and that you are not alone. He wants to help you. He wants to heal you. You may have failed, but you are not a failure."

Your identity and your self-esteem are found in a relationship with the Lord. Build your life's center on a solid foundation. Having a strong foundation will enable you to sustain whatever troubles come your way.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).

Source of Anger: Loneliness

Loneliness is an expected response when going through a divorce, but you might be surprised to learn that loneliness can contribute to anger. You may be feeding your anger with thoughts that you are lonely because no one understands you or no one wants to be with you. You are angry because you are alone, and why should you have to be alone?

Dr. Les Carter explains, "The longer you are disconnected from other people or the more you feel misunderstood, a powerful sense of anger can come in." Dr. Carter says to be careful to not allow any of your emotions, including loneliness and anger, to build up to such a high pitch that they become out of control and harmful.

Be aware that your loneliness can lead to anger. When you are overwhelmed with loneliness, make it a habit to call or visit a friend or relative, and be honest with them about your feelings.

Rob Eagar says, "When you're experiencing pain or deep rejection, it is okay to ask for help. It was a big thing for me to realize it's okay to tell my friends or my family: 'I am hurting right now. I need your help.' Don't try to be an island or live in a cave. Get out and get involved and let people know that you could really use their support and involvement right now."

Turn to the Lord, who is always with you, and choose not to let your emotions build up to a breaking point.

"Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:20 NLT).

Source of Anger: Fear

What fears do you have as a result of your divorce?

Sue shares, "I felt desperate and extremely fearful. Satan would always try to attack me with fear. Fear that I couldn't make it on my own. Fear that my former husband was going to take the children. Fear that I would not ever be emotionally well again."

Fear can be a source of anger, and fear is triggered when a person feels threatened emotionally.

"Fear can cause you to have a great sense of agitation," says Dr. Les Carter. "Consider a dog, for example, that barks at somebody on the other side of the fence. The bark sounds like the dog is angry, but in fact, it may be that the dog is kind of afraid and is just trying to make it sound like it's stronger than it really is."

You don't have to be strong or confident or self-sufficient. God wants you to depend on His strength, and He will be victorious through you. Try depending on God today. When fear threatens to come into your mind, choose a Bible verse to repeat again and again. Claim that verse and watch God work. You might want to pick one of the verses below, or you can look in a concordance for the word "fear" and find another Scripture that might be meaningful for you.

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us" (Romans 8:37).

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" (2 Corinthians 12:9).