Using Children as Spies

Parents of divorce often use their children to find out what is going on in their former spouse's life. You might not even realize you are doing it, or you might think you should do it to protect the children. It is important that you do not use your children as spies.

Dr. Bob Barnes says, "That's not fair to a child, and eventually it will cause more anger. When a parent uses a child as a little snoop, it will cause the child to manipulate to get his or her own way and manipulate even the things that are going on. The child needs to be permitted to be a child."

You may not like the way your former spouse conducts his or her time with the children. You may feel that your former spouse is not being a good influence on the children or is not making wise decisions about food, entertainment, rest time, or discipline. If you have concerns, you must not bring the children into the middle of it. If the children want to talk about their time with their dad or mom, let them know you are open to listen without judgment, but that you understand if they would rather not talk about it.

"Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).